How I'll Become An American........

While surfing the net for something peculiar and sarcastic in essay form for my students, I came along this piece of writing,which Id like to share with you all.

No offence to all my American friends just take it with a pinch of salt as the Brits say .......Its a democratic world we live in and we are sensible enough to not brag or dispute among ourselves,which world is the better for home and country is where the heart is.

By Miklos Vamos(1951- )

a Hungarian novelist and playwright. Vamos wrote this essay for

The New York Times when he was spending a year at the Yale School of Drama in New Haven Connecticut.

I have been Hungarian for 38 years .I'll try something else for the next 38. I'll try to be an American ,for instance. North American, I mean .As an American, I'll speak English fluently. I'll make American mistakes instead of Hungarian mistakes and I'll call them slang.

As an American, I'll have a credit card. Or two. I'll use and misuse them and have to pay the fees. I'll apply for other cards right away. Golden Visa. Golden American. Golden Gate. And I'll buy a car, a great American car.

Then I'll sell my car and buy a smaller West German car

because it's more reliable and doesn’t use so much gasoline.

Later, I'll sell it and buy a smaller Japanese car with a computer aboard. Then I'll sell it and buy a camper. When I sell the camper, I'll buy a bicycle.

As an American, I'll buy a dog. And a cat. And a goat. And a white whale. And also some big stones as pets.

I'll live in my own house. It will be mine, except for the 99 percent mortgage. I'll sell my house and buy a condo. I'll sell my condo and buy a mobile home. I'll sell my mobile home and buy an igloo. I'll sell my igloo and buy a tent. As an American, I'll be clever: I'll sell my igloo and buy a tent when I move to Florida from Alaska.

Anyway, I'll move a lot. And I'll buy the best dishwasher, microwave, dryer, and hi-fi in the world –that is, the U.S.A. I'll have a warranty for all or my money back. I'll use automatic toothbrushes, egg boilers. And garage doors. I'll cal every single phone number starting 1-800.

I'll buy the fastest food I can get and I'll eat it very slowly because I'll watch TV during the meal. Of course, I'll buy a VCR. I'll watch the taped programs and then retape. Sometimes I'll retape first.

As an American, I'll have an answering machine, too. The outgoing message will promise that I'll call you back as soon as possible, but it won't be possible soon.

If I answer the phone as an exception, I'll tell you that I can talk now because I have a long-distance call on the other line, but I'll call you back as soon as possible .

And I'll get a job. I'll always be looking for a better job, but I won't get the job I want. I'll work really hard since as an American I wanna be rich.

I'll always be in hurry: Time is money. Unfortunately, my time won't be worth as much money as my bosses' time. Sometimes I will have the time and I still won't have enough money. Then I'll start to hate the wisdom of this saying.

As an American, sometimes I'll be badly depressed. I'll be the patient of 12 psychiatrists, and I'll be disappointed with all of them. I'll try to change my life a little bit. I'll try to exchange my wives, my car, my lovers, my houses, my children, my jobs, my pets.

Sometimes I'll exchange a few dollars into other currencies and I'll travel to Europe, Hamaii, Tunisia, Martinique, and Japan. I'll be happy to see that people all over the world are jealous of us Americans. I'll take at least 2,000 snapshots on each trip. I'll also buy a video camera and shoot everywhere. I'll look at the tapes, photos, and slides, and I'll try to remember my experiences when I have time or I am in the mood because I get depressed again and again.

I'll smoke cigarettes. Then I'll be afraid of cancer and I'll stop. I'll smoke cigars. I'll take a breather. I'll be try to stop but I won't be able to. I'll call 1-800-222-HELP.If nothing helps and I am still unhappy. I'll make a final effort. I'll try to read a book. I'll buy some bestsellers. I'll prefer James A. Michener. My second favorite will be How to Be Rich in seven weeks. I'll try to follow this advice in seven years.

I'll always be concerned about my health as an American. I won't eat anything but health food until I get ill. From time, to I'll read in the paper that I should stop eating meat, sugar, bread, fiber, grains, iron, toothpaste, and that I should stop drinking milk, soda, water, acid rain.

I'll try to follow this advice, but then I'll read in paper that I should do it the other way around.

I'll be puzzled. ''Hey, I don’t even know what cholesterol is'' Yet I'll stick to decaf coffee, sugar-free cookies, salt-free butter, and lead-free gasoline. I'll believe that proper diet and exercise make life longer. I'll go jogging every day until I am mugged twice and knocked down three times. Then I'll just exercise in my room, but it will also increase my appetite. I'll go on several diets. And little by I'll reach 200 pounds.

As an American, I'll buy a new TV every time a larger screen appears on the market. in the end, the screen will be larger than the room. It will be difficult to put this enormous TV into my living room : thus, I will put my living room into the TV. Anyway, my living room will look very much like the living rooms you can see in the soaps: nobody will complain. I won't complain either. I'll always smile. After all, we are Americans, aren't we?