Sorry a long post...you have been warned !
It's easy to think that being cheerful and optimistic is something that we can't control. But with the right attitude we can all have the power to feel better about ourselves and the way we live our lives.
All of us have days when we feel so fed up we can't help but wonder why everyone else seems happier than we do. That's when we start daydreaming about winning the lottery, but the truth is that putting more joy into our lives is about the changing way that we look at what we already have.
Studies show that people who think more positively are happier and healthier, and the good news according to Ben Renshaw, who helps run personal happiness courses, is that we all have the capacity to feel better, 'Happiness should be a normal state of mind,' he explains, 'But we let misconceptions get in the way and stop us feeling good. We can all be happier now.'
So what are we waiting for? As soon as we realize we're in control, we're already halfway to being happier. Look at the list of the most common myths that can spoil our joy and see if they are standing in our way.
1. I'll be happy tomorrow
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking happiness will happen once you achieve your goals, but you end up concentrating so hard on how much better life could be that it stops you appreciating what you've got. And by placing endless conditions, it'll always be out of reach.
That's what happened to Gillian, 34. First, she was convinced that getting married would make her happy, then it was having a baby. She achieved all that but then felt she had to go back to work and get promoted, Even then, she had a nagging desire to achieve more.
What to do: Postponing happiness to a future date means you'll never enjoy it. You don't earn it by achieving lots of goals – by all means aspire to great things, but enjoy every minute along the way.
2. It won't last
Are you too afraid to let yourself be happy because you're frightened life will slap you in the face and bring you crashing down to earth again? Try as you might, you can't help believing that happiness is always temporary and that, when it disappears, you'll feel even more miserable than before. You need to realize that if you don't take a risk, you'll end up missing out.
Life is a gamble and you need to be bold and go for what you want. Just because you were hurt in a previous relationship or let down in another way, it doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you all over again.
What to do: Stop always expecting the worst to arrive, and try to think positively. Remember, it's better to have been happy for a short while than stuck in a familiar but depressing situation. You might as well enjoy the good times that you already have. If you don't, it won't stop the bad times from happening – what have you got to lose?
3. He has to change
Sue, a young mother of two, had convinced herself that if her husband Simon was a bit more ambitious in his career prospects, worked harder and secured a promotion, then she'd have everything and be proud of him.
But if, like Simon, your partner is perfectly content with his life and job the way they are, spending your life waiting for him to change is just setting yourself up to feel let down by him when he doesn't alter his life the way you would like him to.
What to do: Making your happiness conditional to what someone else does means you're avoiding taking responsibility for your own feelings and ambitions. It's much easier to blame others for the things you think are wrong with your life rather than doing something about it yourself.
Of course, it's only fair to expect your partner to do his fair share of the housework or to be more affectionate towards you, but you must decide whether this is an important change that could make your relationship better or whether you're just using it as an excuse.
It's important to realize that your happiness isn't dependant on others. Of course they can help but, ultimately, only you have control over your own feelings. If a partner or friend doesn't make you happy, you either have to learn to live with them or decide if you want them in your life at all.
4. I don't like myself
When you're unhappy it's so easy to think that every thing in your life is wrong. The only solution seems to be to make some drastic changes and give up your job, finish your relationship or move house to make a fresh start.
Perhaps you can't see the wood for the trees. If didn’t mind that you've put on a stone of weight and were happy with your body, maybe you wouldn't row, with your partner because nothing fits when you're getting ready for work. Is the fact that you don't like one thing about yourself putting extra pressure on the good things in your life?
What to do: Get right down to the basics and work out the real reason that's making you feel so down. Next, learn to like, respect and value yourself. For example, if you're unhappy about your job stand in front of a mirror each morning, smile and say out loud and confidently, 'I am good at what I do.' It can help put you in a more positive frame of mind and help you cope with a bad day at work. If you've tried everything and you still feel stuck in a miserable job and relationship, then it could be time to think about doing something drastic and walking away.
5. They owe me
Having a chip on your shoulder about how much praise and happiness you deserve from other people can have a negative effect, because if those expectations aren't fulfilled then you're setting yourself up to feel really disappointed.
If you become too obsessed with the idea of getting what you think you deserve out of life, you can also lose sight of how much you've been given. Janice, 30, was convinced her life had been difficult and because of that she deserved more success in her career. Although she had a high powered job, she still expected constant praise and got depressed if she didn't get it. Instead of feeling hard done by Janice needed to accept that life can be tough and she isn't owed something because of that. We all like to be appreciated, but don't make it a condition for your own happiness.
What to do: Change your expectations and accept that you aren't owed more than anyone else. Be your own best critic. You know you've done something well, so give yourself credit for it rather than searching for appreciation from other people.
6. I don't deserve it
One of the most common beliefs of all is that happiness is something you have to work hard for and earn – and many people feel that they don't deserve it. Being depressed all the time won't help you, though. Think how much easier it is to cheer up a friend who's down if your feeling positive.
What to do: Don't feel guilty about being happy. Remember that a good mood can actually be infectious and the better you feel, the easier it is to spread some of that joy around to your friends and family.
7. If I looked different
There's probably something about your appearance that you really don't like. Whether you think that your nose is too big and plastic surgery is the answer, or you're desperate to be two sizes slimmer, it's easy to think that by changing the way you look you would automatically make yourself happier.
However, unless you have a real obsession and need professional help to do something about it, insecurity about the way you look is often an excuse not to get on with the rest of your life.
If you need to lose weight but something's stopping you, maybe you need to ask yourself why. The truth might be that it's safer to hide behind those extra few pounds and blame your lack of self confidence on that rather than risk doing something about it and discovering that you still don't like yourself much.
What to do: it's important to put these ideas in your mind into proportion and stop giving yourself a hard time about the way you look. Remember that when it comes to looks and personality, nobody's perfect – so stop trying to be.
Are you making yourself miserable?
If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, then you could be accidentally sabotaging your own happiness.
• Do you think that happiness is something that only ever really happens to other people?
• Are you convinced that there's so much you don't like about aspects of your life such as work, your love life or your figure, that the only solution is to change everything?
• Are you always hankering after things you don't have, such as a better job and more money, or being able to fit into a size 12?
• Do you constantly find yourself expecting the worst of all situations and do you often think that if something does go well for you then it's probably too good to be true?
